Elderly parents become very good at masking their mental deterioration. As long as familiar routines and surroundings prevail they can keep up a good front. It wasn’t until my husband’s mother was hospitalized that we discovered that his father had never learned how to use a phone with a touch pad. His wife had been doing all the dialing while he listened in on an extension. All day he had been home alone unable to call anyone to tell them about Mother being in the hospital. It was only when my husband happened to call him that the word got out about the situation.

• Are both of your parents able to use a modern phone, especially a cell phone?
• Will you or someone else check in with them daily if you have doubts about their abilities?

Popularity: 9% [?]

You never really know a person until you share an inheritance with them!

(from “Who Gets Grandma’s Yellow Pie Plate”)

Trying to bring people together to discuss the distribution of personal possessions, whether due to downsizing or following a death, holds a wealth of stressors besides the circumstances. The way individuals perceive events and the way they react can bring some unanticipated results.

Anyone who has more than one child knows the truth of individual personality differences. The same set of circumstances may be interpreted in different ways by family members. I have heard all too many stories about brothers and sisters who have broken off relationships because of the way the distribution was handled. Lawyers have told me that it’s often the items of sentimental value rather than monetary value that cause the greatest strife. Let’s look at what might be behind this.

There is a  model for describing observable behavior that has been around for more than twenty five years known as “D.I.S.C.”. the letters stand for distinct characteristics.

• D stands for Dominance. This person is apt to make decisions quickly and be impatient.
• I stands for Influence. This person is apt to make decisions based on emotion or “gut feeling”.
• S stands for Supportiveness. This person is apt to be slow and deliberate in making decisions.
• C stands for Conscientiousness. This person is apt to be analytical and want lots of information before making a decision.

The four types can be further grouped by whether they are:

• Fast-Paced or Slower-Paced
• Task-Oriented or People-Oriented

The characteristics seem to be somewhat hard-wired into us from birth but,with some training, anyone can learn to modify or adapt their natural responses to meet the needs of a different person or situation.

Popularity: 20% [?]

The article in the Bangor Daily News today:Town has to do the clean up reminds me of how often, when I tell someone what I do for a living, there comes forth a story of a neighbor or a family member whose collecting has gotten way out of hand. The person with “The Collection” is usually adamant that everything  they’ve accumulated is valuable and is, in fact, resource material. It probably started out that way. Usually it is a male with such a hoard of stuff. They have so many ideas of possible uses for the things they bring home and they are sure that there will be a market for what ever they produce. In the article in the Bangor Daily News, it is an artist of sorts that the town has run out of patience with. It’s hard to draw the line between what is an actual creative endeavor and what is pack rat activity that is getting out of hand.

Popularity: 40% [?]

For awhile after my husband’s father died, we feared that his widow was soon going to follow him. They had been married for over sixty years. For almost a month all she seemed to want to do was sleep and she was apathetic to her family’s questions and suggestions about what to do next with her life. Eventually she snapped out of it and became interested in life and far more energetic. In hindsight, what we now realize, is that being his care-giver had taken a tremendous toll on her, plus she needed to adjust internally to her new situation.

Grieving is a process. Generally there are three stages of grief: the initial shock, the experiencing of the emotions, and the recovery.

In the first stage of grief, the initial shock, everything seems chaotic to your parent. There is an inability to function. Decision-making is beyond her. At this point she needs to have things done for her. This is a time to help with the mail and the paperwork and coordinate the efforts of others.

• Collect the needed papers right away. Locate deeds, bank books, investment account statements, insurance policies, Social Security information, birth and marriage certificates, military papers,  and the will if there is one.
• Arrange to have funds available, if necessary.
• Notify the Social Security Administration, insurance companies, employer, any union or professional organizations, creditors, financial institutions, and any others you can think of.
• Organize the papers of the deceased and put them in a safe place to be dealt with later.

In the second stage of grief – dealing with the emotions, be prepared for this to take a long while as your parent processes all the ways that life has changed.

• Be prepared to help your parent with “firsts” such as the holidays which will likely bring new pain.
• Provide for help with daily money management.
• Offer to help with organizing the papers and possessions of the deceased parent.
• If possible, avoid moving your parent out of the family home during the first year.

In the third stage of grief – the recovery, your parent may become more ready and willing to deal with the possessions of the deceased spouse.

• There may be ways to honor the person through the choices you make such as donating items to organizations that were important to him or her.
• You could create a memory book of photos and family stories.
• You might hold a yard sale with the proceeds going for something that was significant to your parent.
• Don’t be in a hurry to discard the deceased’s possessions. Watch for readiness on the surviving parent’s part.

As much as possible your family should be involved with helping your parent go through all the changes the death of a spouse entails. Sometimes the services of a professional organizer might be what is needed for coordinating the process for the family.

Popularity: 100% [?]